The Happiness Trap

Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance means being okay with who you are, recognising that you are neither the blackpieces nor the white pieces in a chess game. Rather, you are the board. The board is in intimatecontact with the pieces but is not caught up in the fray.

Take twelve slow, deep breaths. For the first three breaths, focus on your breathing. For the nextthree breaths, notice your breathing and also notice what thoughts are running through your mind.(Whatever they are, just let them be.) For the next three breaths, notice your breathing and also scanyour body and notice what you feel. (Whatever you feel, just make room for it.) For the final threebreaths, as well as connecting with your breathing, connect with your environment. Notice whatyou can see, hear, taste, touch and smell, as well as staying aware of your breathing. Ready? Put thebook down now and give it a go.

mindfulness’ meansconsciously bringing awareness to your here-and-now experience, with openness, receptiveness andinterest.

Connection With A Task You’ve Been Avoiding

Pick a task you’ve been putting off for a while. Set aside twenty minutes to make a start on it.During that time, focus completely on the experience. Connect with it fully, through the five senses,while making room for your feelings and defusing your thoughts. After twenty minutes, feel freeeither to stop or to continue. Do this for twenty minutes every day, until your task is completed.

Connection With A Useful Chore

Pick a chore that you don’t like but that you know is helpful in the long ran. It could be ironingclothes, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning out the car, cooking a healthy meal, putting thegarbage out, bathing the kids, polishing your shoes, tidying the garage—any task that you’d just assoon avoid doing. Then each time you do it, practise connection. Have no expectations; just noticewhat happens. For example, if you’re ironing clothes, notice the colour and shape of the clothing.Notice the patterns made by the creases and shadows. Notice how the patterns change as the creasesdisappear. Notice the hiss of the steam, the creak of the ironing board, the faint whispery sound ofthe iron moving over the material. Notice the grip of your hand on the iron and the movement ofyour arm and your shoulder.

If boredom or frustration arises, make room for it and refocus on what you’re doing. When thoughtsarise, let them be and go back to focusing on what you’re doing. The moment you realise that yourattention has wandered (and it will, repeatedly), gently thank your mind, briefly note whatdistracted you and bring your attention back to what you’re doing.

Pick an activity that’s part of your daily morning routine, such as brushing your teeth, combingyour hair or taking a shower. Totally focus on what you are doing, using all your five senses. Forexample, when you’re in the shower notice the different sounds of the water: as it sprays out of thenozzle, as it hits your body, as it gurgles down the drain. Notice the temperature of the water andthe feel of it in your hair. Notice the sensations of the water running down your back and legs.Notice the smell of the soap and the shampoo and how they feel against your skin. Notice the visualpatterns of the water on the walls or curtain. Notice the clouds of steam billowing upward. Noticethe movements of your arms as you scrub or shampoo.

practise thefollowing two exercises on a daily basis.

Notice Five Things

This is a simple exercise to centre yourself and connect with your environment. Practise it a fewtimes every day, especially whenever you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts andfeelings. You’ll find that it brings you back to the here and now.

1. Pause for a moment.

2. Look around and notice five objects you can see.

3. Listen carefully and notice five sounds you can hear.

4. Notice five things you can physically feel.

The OBSERVE Acronym

Whenever you find yourself having troublesome urges, there’s a basic routine you can follow. Youcan remember it with the acronym OBSERVE:

0=0bserve

B=Breathe

S=Surf

E=Expand

R=Refocus

V=Values

E=Engage

Let’s take a closer look.

OBSERVE means you observe this urge as if you were a curious scientist. Where do you feel it inyour body? What does it feel like? Notice the associated thoughts and images and silentlyacknowledge the urge (e.g. ‘I’m having the urge to run away.’)

BREATHE means you take a few slow, deep breaths. Breathe into the urge and make room for it.

SURF means you treat the urge as if it were a wave that you were surfing. Notice where you feel itand how intense it is. Keep track of whether it’s growing, cresting or subsiding. You can score it ona scale of 1 to 10, and watch the numbers increase and decrease as it grows, crests and subsides.

Don’t try to rush it. Allow it to rise and fall in its own sweet time.

EXPAND means you breathe into the urge and make more room for it. No matter how big this urgegets, you are bigger! Allow it to be; don’t get into a fight with it. As long as you keep making roomfor it, sooner or later this urge will crest and then it will subside.

REFOCUS means you unhook yourself from any unhelpful thoughts, and you bring your attentionback to what’s happening, here and now.

VALUES means you take a moment to connect with what’s important in your heart—with who youwant to be and what sort of life you want to create. Then you choose an effective action, one thattakes your life in a valued direction.

ENGAGE means you engage fully in whatever valued action you take. You let your thoughts andfeelings come and go, and you give your full attention to your actions.

• Observe where in your body you feel the urge most strongly.

Acknowledge, ‘I’m having the urge to ... X, Y, Z.’

• Just watch it rise and watch it fall.

• Don’t try to suppress it or get rid of it.

• Breathe into it; make room for it.

• When your mind starts judging or criticising this urge or telling you other unhelpful stories(such as ‘You can’t handle it’), just allow those thoughts to come and go without focusing onthem.

• Some urges rise and fall rapidly; others linger. Allow your urge to rise and fall in its own sweettime.

• You may find it helpful to score the urge on a scale of 1 to 10. For example, ‘I’m having theurge to smoke and it’s a 7.’

• No matter how huge that urge gets, you have room for it. And eventually it will crest and then itwill subside. So observe it, breathe into it and allow it.

once you are aware of a strong urge, you need to ask yourself: If I act on this urge, will Ibe acting like the person I want to be? Will it help take my life in the direction I want to go?