I'm Glad My Mom Died

Sometimes I look at her and I just hate her. And then I hate myself for feeling that. I tell myself I’m ungrateful. I’m worthless without her. She’s everything to me.

’m glad at least that when I do have a slip, that slip no longer spirals into a slide.

The problem with this is that if we beat ourselves up after a mistake, we add shame onto the guilt and frustration that we already feel about our mistake. That guilt and frustration can be helpful in moving us forward, but shame… shame keeps us stuck. It’s a paralyzing emotion. When we get caught in a shame spiral, we tend to make more of the same kinds of mistakes that caused us shame in the first place.”

People with a propensity for eating disorders tend to be the types of people who get very caught up in their mistakes and struggle to move on from them. Perfectionists. Does that resonate

Finally the service lets out. Hallelujah. This is the closest I’ve gotten to believing in God all day

“She sacrificed everything for me. She constantly went without so she could take care of me. She put me first, ahead of herself.”
“Hmm. And do you think that’s healthy?”
What kind of fresh hell is this? What is this impossible-to-ace quiz? I have no idea how I’m supposed to be answering to make Mom look good.
“Well, I mean, I put her first too, so that kind of balanced it out. We balanced each other… putting each other… first… out.”
Laura holds a look at me. An unreadable look. She says nothing. The silence is deafening

While this experience was meant to serve as motivation for me, we can’t just treat the problem and not the cause. In order to get to what’s underneath the bulimia, what’s driving it, we need to unpack my life in a more comprehensive way

The task of FEELING this confusing, overwhelming blob of emotions instead of distracting myself with bulimia is daunting. Bulimia helps me to rid myself of these emotions even if it is a temporary, unsustainable fix. Facing these emotions feels impossible. If I can’t even clearly identify them, how will I possibly be able to tolerate them

Manny from Modern Family chats with Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory

And lots and lots of food means lots and lots of opportunities to binge and/or purge.