Citat
Too wordy as a whole.
Doesn't flow, especially the beginning part.
Mandatory Correction:
•maintain same tense
•delete 'just'
Correction Suggestions:
▪︎replace: 'besides it being' with 'not only is it'
▪︎Delete: 'all' 'so much'
▪︎replace: 'all on it's own' with 'on its own' or 'as it is'
▪︎replace: 'the man's' with 'his'
▪︎shuffle, reword with edits:
•Not only is it fun to torment Peter as it is
•Not only is it fun to torment Peter on its own
•Not only is tormenting Peter so much fun as it is
•Not only is tormenting Peter so much fun on itown
•his oral abilities and incredibly nimble fingers were
an added benefit
•there was the added benefit of his oral abilities and
incredibly nimble fingers
Vague but wordy....confusing.
Change to:
... find out what he needed to do to replicate that smile
▪︎'....to find out how he could make her smile the same way'
▪︎'.... so he too could elicit, bring outthat same smile. make her smile